Mike In West Virginia

So most of the posts that I do are pretty positive and upbeat, but I think sometimes it is good to release some negative energy on the world. With the holiday season coming up I think I better release that negativity now. What better way to do that than to bash some bands that have contributed to the “dumbing down” of the American music fan. For the most part these are more recent bands and I tried to stick to rock because I’m sure that if I venture into pop I would find too many terrible bands and couldn’t make a list. This is just my personal opinion and you don’t have to agree…but for your sake I hope you do.

So here…we…go…

10. Fall Out Boy-I think the main reason they make this list is not so much because they are bad musicians, but because their music is too damned catchy and I am sick of catching myself humming their music. Oh, and most of all because they butchered Beat It.

9. Simple Plan-I have a simple plan…never buy their albums. This might have been the band that started the whole Emo movement. You know what Layne Staley did when he was down…heroin. You want to know what Kurt Cobain did…blew his head off. These were guys with real issues that bleed through into their music. Most of these newer bands just bitch about mommy and daddy not loving them. But I guess when you’re 12 and you think mommy and daddy don’t love you then this type of music is perfect for you.

8. Jethro Tull-3 words sum up why they are on this list….Best Metal Grammy

7. Hawthorne Heights-This is one of the main offenders of the Emo movement. The whole screamer/singer combo just never did it for me. Ohio is not for lovers….it’s for assholes and depressed teens who bought your albums. But I am glad they have had such a long successful career…oh wait they didn’t, my fault.

6. Good Charlotte-Talk about a band whose novelty wore off quick. The catchiness of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous lasted about a week, yet got played for a year. The band had an opportunity to continue making sub par music and fade into obscurity, but NOOO they had to go and make the same bland, poor me poor me, kiddie music that gets played on the radio nonstop. They went from Blink 182 rip-offs to Emo rip-offs. I really wish that the Madden brothers would just stick to dating Hilary Duff and Nicole Ritchie and never make another record…EVER!

5. Blue October-So apparently all I need to do to get on the radio is play re-hashed riffs and sing badly…sweet!!! If you have any questions about this band please go listen to the song Hate Me…read the lyrics…and honestly ask yourself if that is good music. Hate Me makes me do exactly that…hate myself for wasting 4 minutes of my life.

4. Hinder-I think a little lyrical analysis ought to prove my point about this band. Example number one, “Lets go home and get stoned, we could end up making love instead of misery. Go home and get stoned cause the sex is so much better when you’re mad at me.” Shakespeare would be proud. Let’s not even get into Lips of an Angel. The sad thing about this band and its lyrics is that they are serious about them. When Scott Weiland, Julian Casablancas, or Perry Ferrell write totally odd ball lyrics, you can usually catch the fact that they don’t take themselves too serious. What’s even worse is the drunk people at the bars who think these guys are really deep and their music is so amazing. Get real people.

3. Insane Clown Posse-Where to even start with these guys. I thought maybe after Eminem trashed them on “Marshal Mathers” that we might never again have to hear about sodomizing chickens and Faygo. But of course not, they continue to make terrible records. These guys should stick to their wrestling league, because at least then they have a good excuse to dress up in makeup and look like jerk-offs (Nothing against wrestling because I am a fan myself). For fear of being attacked by some Juggalos, I will not say anything more about them.

2. Creed/Scott Stapp-Now I guess I can tolerate the first album even though it amounts to nothing more than a cheap Pearl Jam imitation, but it did have a few decent songs like One and My Own Prison. But even then you could see that they had nothing new to offer and they were using the same riffs that Bush already recycled form the Grunge era. For as much as I love grunge, I hate what it became, and I think Creed best embodies that. As soon as Scott Stapp decided that he was the second coming of Christ, the band took a turn into shittsville. Songs like One Last Breathe, Higher, and My Sacrifice symbolize exactly what sucks about the post-grunge era. I think that maybe my disdain for Creed comes from my dislike for Scott Stapp. Never in my life have I seen such a pompous asshole. This guy is the perfect example of being holier-than-thou.

1. Nickelcrap…I mean Nickelback.
I mean this with everything in my soul, this band is the worst band ever. I will say one thing though, they have managed to perfect one song….and then change the lyrics and release it 10 more times. Their riffs, chord progressions, and rhythm rarely stretch out too far from basic formula of How You Remind Me. The song Rock Star actually makes me ill when I listen to it, and I honestly think if you put the words Rock Star in a song, assholes will love it. I once asked a friend of mine why he likes Nickelback and his answer was “cause you don’t have to think when you listen to them.” There couldn’t have been a more perfect answer then that one. People don’t like to think, and God forbid that music be complicated and intricate and actually make them think about something other than being a rock star, getting drunk, and screwing some strippers. When Nickelback tries to be serious with songs like If Everyone Cared, they convince these musically challenged listeners that they are deep and thoughtful musicians. Well if everyone cared then your shit wouldn’t get played on the radio.

So there it is. I am sure a lot of people will disagree with me and have some suggestions of their own, but the best thing about this country is that I have the freedom to voice my opinion. And I also realize that people have the freedom to listen to whatever they want. All I ask is that you take a look at these bands and really ask yourself what they have done to significantly contribute to the music industry beyond selling records. Listen to the songs and analyze the lyrics with an open mind and then if you still like them…so be it.

BONUS SECTION
With all of these terrible bands I had to leave some out and some barely missed the cut…so here are some honorable mentions:

Papa Roach
Buckcherry….only missing the list because I Love The Cocaine…I Love The Cocaine. That is one damn catchy song. Note…I personally don’t love the cocaine or any other drug.
Alter Bridge…Creed’s guitarist…you can paint a turd gold but it’s still a turd.
Lifehouse…I guess you can’t beat up on Christian Rock bands too much
Slipknot…honestly how many band members do you need
Jefferson Starship…they built this city on shit. How did the Airplane turn into that???
Van Hagar…just kidding, I’m just a Diamond Dave guy to the end
Phish…I guess because I don’t smoke weed I can’t get into this band.

Took a trip to New England this weekend and the car rental du jour was a Chrysler Sebring.  Now the Sebring is Chrysler’s entry-level car, as well for that matter their middle-line car.  This goes to the reason why Chrysler has not put out a good car since, oh 1992, and the last decent car the company as a whole put out was what the Intrepid?  Lee Iacocca in his most insane days did better, and now, The General and Chrysler are getting down and dirty because Cerbeus is offering a heap of money for GMAC.  So GM gets cash, gets to give the coup de grace on Chrysler, and loses their last valuable asset, their 50% share of GMAC.  Oh, and Ford wants to sell their share of Mazda?  Why?  Are you afraid you might accidentally create a car that is cool and practical?  Ford can do both, just not at the same time unlike Mazda.  Anyway, I digress back to the car review.

So, the Sebring.  It used to be a decent coupe convertible back in the day when the line-up was the Cirrus/Concorde/300M.  With the Sebring in there as some flash.  Now however, the Cirrus is gone (which is probably good) and we have the four-door Sebring to welcome us into the Chrysler family.  So, lets start out with looks.

It’s a 10 footer.  Doesn’t look bad from a far, until you walk up to it and see that the hood is blatantly playing off the Crossfire, which Mercedes ripped from Chrysler when it kicked the company to the curb.  The styling is trying too hard to look like a Crossfire/S-Class hybrid in the front.  It’s like when your Dad decides to go a few days without shaving because he thinks it makes him look “rugged” or “hip” when it really makes him look like a “hobo.”  Then you get inside and it’s all hard plastic.  Which is common in Detroit these days, it doesn’t matter what you buy.  Seating position is comfortable and I did have good visibility (thank God “Cab Forwarding” with it’s endless A-pillar blind spots is gone).  My measure of ergonomics is whether I can be driving down the highway at 70 mph and change the radio to a different station without being dangerous….didn’t happen.  While switching away from Jason Mraz’s Lovebug somewhere near the Connecticut/Rhode Island border, I end the life of a raccoon.  Immediately after I hear a scraping noise and I figure I’m dragging a raccoon, so I pull over.  Nope, just the bumper splash guard came loose.  It was easily fixed by bending it back into place and I continue my beautiful drive through New England.  Power was ok, although you really had to give it the beans to overtake anyone, and it’s New England so it was flat.  Handling was horrific, which was evident by the next time later that evening (while also listening to Jason Mraz’s Lovebug, I didn’t bother changing the channel) I see a raccoon and literally jerked the wheel hard to the right, and nothing happened, the car just kinda leaned, but didn’t turn, and I end another raccoon’s life.  At this point, I’m in a bad part of town and I am not pulling over so I just drag the splash guard about five miles.  By this time its toast, and I end up spending and hour the next day in a Target parking lot with a pair of titanium scissors cutting out the splash guard so the rental company didn’t know I hit anything.  I didn’t bother turning the radio on for the rest of the trip.

So, where does this leave us?  Styling:  Ugly, Power:  Ok, Handling:  horrible, Ergonomics:  Makes God’s Creatures die, Gas Mileage:  decent.  I leave you with unrelated, but beautiful pictures of New England.